


Honey Golden Light

by Winterlynne_Norvic



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, But not in a physical way, Canon Continuation, Fights, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Canon, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, bare with me guys, but it’s not permanent, happy ending okay, its good I swear, just trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 20:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21482554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterlynne_Norvic/pseuds/Winterlynne_Norvic
Summary: Andrew knew he could take it back, he hadn’t meant to say them in the first place but Andrew just met his eyes, molten honey gold deadened in a way Neil had never seen, holding him in barely disguised contempt and disgust.“I regret ever telling you to stay.”
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 344





	Honey Golden Light

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to the tune of “Its You” by Ali Gatie, it doesn’t exactly fit the fic but it’s a great song and honestly is pretty Andreil.

Andrew had planned every detail down to what he would say and what he’d have Neil wear. Andrew had picked out the restaurant weeks before, a quiet setting where they wouldn’t be disturbed by annoying strangers, and the dessert was sweet enough to induce cavities.

Every. Last. Detail.

But with Neil and Andrew nothing ever went to plan.

With Andrew. 

This. 

This- what happened, 

_ What happened? _

Neil could not be blamed for Andrew’s faults.

And it was.

It was Andrew’s fault.

And Andrew did not think that would surprise anyone who knew him for more than 5 minutes.

It had been going so well. Neil chattered about his team, the foxes, whatever Kevin’s latest health trend had caused strife about today. Andrew listened and added in comments once in a while, mostly watching Neil. It earned him a fond smile when Neil noticed he was  _ staring _ , he hummed the word with worn and warm familiarity.

And Andrew, Andrew had planned out every last detail because he wanted just one thing, 

_ He wanted and wanted and wanted and that’s why he  _ <strike>_fell_ _caused_</strike> _ orchestrated his own destruction- _

snapped right at that moment. 

And the potentially life changing but not words he had planned to come out, twisted and wilted and died and poisoned on the tip of his tongue before he-

Before he could stop them, before he could think his irrational fear and panic through. Black rimmed his vision and claustrophobia circled.

Neil stopped for one earth stilling moment, “What?”

Andrew knew he could take it back, he hadn’t meant to say them in the first place but every word he spoke just-

** _“We.”_ **

Condemned-

** _“Are.”_ **

Him-

** _“Over.”_ **

Further.

He hissed the statement he did not mean.

Neil recoiled away from him like he’d just been burned.

In a way, he had.

Neil could not believe his ears, could not believe the words dripping from Andrew’s lips like-

_ Ones he knew so well, intimately and thoroughly, ones he trusted not to lie, the ones they told him to  _ ** _stay-_ **

Like acid dissolving  _ them _ . Dissolving their  _ this _ and their  _ truths _ and everything they had used to willingly bind themselves together.

Neil could not stop his chest from constricting in pain, the helplessness that then gripped him tightly and prepared to drag him  _ down down down _ , pain enveloped him and he didn’t have the will to escape its clutches. 

“You’re telling me to go?”

Andrew met his eyes, molten honey gold deadened in a way Neil had never seen, holding him in barely disguised contempt and disgust.

“I regret ever telling you to stay.”

He flinched.

“You don’t believe in regret.” Neil whispered.

Andrew smiled, cutting and cruel, “I didn’t,” he agreed, “but I’ll believe in it just for you,  _ because _ of you.”

Andrew in that moment could feel nothing but cold. Hear nothing but eerie silence in his mind as he watched himself destroy the person he cared most for.

There was some part of him screaming at him to stop, stop the madness that had taken hold of all his rational senses. Told him he would not survive the fall down this rabbit hole if he didn’t stop it before he reached the bottom.

The sensation of this falling was not similar to his fall for Neil, and maybe it was then that it occurred to him he’d damned himself.

Neil was gone. Had gone.

Neil had been a pipedream. Neil was not a pipedream.

Neil was real, so, so real.

Andrew needed to reign himself in.

To pull himself together, he needed to  _ apologize _

He needed for this to have never have happened.

He needed Neil.

To Andrew Neil was his  _ always _ .

Always a yes-until it’s a no. 

He didn’t know how he had figured that out too soon and too late.

The box in his jacket pocket had been there and ready, but Andrew had not, and now because Andrew had wanted- 

_ He wanted and wanted and wanted and that’s why he  _ <strike>_fell_ _caused_</strike> _ orchestrated his own destruction- _

Andrew needed to find Neil.

That was 3 hours ago.

Now.

Now Neil was gone and Andrew was alone. Alone on the floor of <strike>_his_ _their_</strike> _his but both of their _apartment floor losing feeling in his legs from kneeling too long on the floor and dripping blood onto dark wood paneling from where his knuckles split open, skin more shredded than not.

His breath could not even out, exhibiting symptoms that followed him into wakefulness after one of his nightmares.

Except Andrew would not wake from this nightmare.

And he could not help the word that built up inside and overwhelmed everything he ever held against it. He did not care, he realized, he did not care about this dumb word if Neil was not in his life.

“Please.”

He had not begged in years, but he would do anything, give anything to fix things with Neil.

Even beg.

“ _ Please.” _ He said again.

It ripped him apart but he could not stop it, not a single one.

_ “Please, please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.” _

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months could have passed and Andrew would not have noticed.

All he could think was  _ Neil _ and  _ Please  _ and-

“Andrew?”

Neil appeared in front of him, looking as broken as Andrew felt in that moment. Neil was saying something but it was hard to focus when all he could think about were the rings of red around his eyes from crying.

Andrew made Neil cry.

He felt so much self loathing for himself.

And yet.

And yet Neil was still here. He came back and now, and now?

Neil had tears streaming down his face, waiting for Andrew to reply, to stop,  _ stop saying that horrible horrible word goddamnit Andrew, yes or no? _

Why did Neil not loathe Andrew as much as he loathed himself?

Andrew said yes to Neil.

Neil pried Andrew’s fingers from where they had dug themselves into his palm and sliced open delicate skin, and either Neil did not see or did not care about the cursed item in Andrew’s hand because it fell to the floor and remained there. Gentle hands pressed Andrew’s bloodied one to Neil’s neck and Neil told him to  _ breathe breathe breathe and never ever say that word again Andrew, I’m here _ .

And it made no sense but Neil had stayed and his head was pressed against Andrew’s and they were breathing and breathing and breathing. Each breath became easier and Neil’s tears had stopped but the look of concern he wore did not disappear with them.

He wondered why, why Neil came back for him, why he stayed after everything Andrew said.

And Neil?

Neil could not read his thoughts, but perhaps he didn’t need to, Neil knew Andrew like Andrew knew Neil. They knew how to tear each other down, and they knew how to keep the other standing. Neil knew Andrew and stayed anyway. 

“You never told me to go,” he whispered, voice sounding strained, “And you don’t believe in regret.”

Neil stayed because he knew Andrew.

“I know a lie when I hear one Drew. I know you, and I will not let you break yourself after everyone else failed. If I’m not allowed to be a suicidal martyr than you aren’t allowed to be self destructive. Not now and not ever, and if we go down, we are sure as hell going to go down together. We’ve already fought for every step anyway, what’s a few hundred more?”

Neil breathed heavily into the air between them, anger and hope and defiance written in his very bones and it radiates from him now.

“Neil.” Andrew says. Just one word that holds his every pound of his exhaustion, and every ton of his relief.

“Andrew.” It’s both confirmation and a question.

“Stay, yes or no?”

Neil’s eyes meet his and sees Andrew, he sees the trust, and the hope, and everything that neither of them had yet learned how to say to each other. 

Neil smiles and Andrew vows to make Neil smile everyday.

“Yes, always Yes Andrew.”

Andrew pulls Neil to him and wrapped his arms around him until they are entwined together like their paths and their lives, their souls and their truths.

Against Neil’s neck Andrew very softly says “It’s always yes with you.” And Neil cries, but this time it’s okay.

.

.

.

The object on the floor is ignored until they find it sometime the next day, Neil considers it and Andrew, before walking to their balcony and while wearing the weight of Andrew’s curious stare, chucks it into the distance and is glad to see it gone. Judging by the way Andrew aggressively holds Neil’s hand once he’s on the balcony too and the grimly satisfied look on his face, he was glad to see it vanish in the golden evening light.

They’d get to marriage in their own time, and even if they wouldn’t, neither would have liked to use that ring anyway.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it, if you’d like to, feel free to drop a kudos or a comment, they make me happy and I always like to hear what you have to say.


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